Last night Nerdmeyr and I watched the first two episodes of Rock Star Supernova – the show in which unknown rockers compete to become the lead singer of a new supergroup featuring Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted, and former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Gilby Clarke (many thanks to Sandy B. for taping the show!). My initial attraction to Supernova was due the fact that Portland’s own Storm Large (of Dante’s Wed. night lounge act “Storm and the Balls” fame) is one of the contestants. I could watch Storm sing covers all night long and all the better on prime time television where her clever banter is directed toward charming Tommy Lee. The rest of the show, however, is proving an extra bonus, which is not too surprising given the conclusion I reached many years ago (but was too afraid to vocalize until now): the best kind of rock star is the one who actually realizes they are performing. Accordingly, the worst kind of rock star, and arguably not a rock star at all, tries to be true to themselves or speak truth to power, etc.

What makes Rock Star Supernova so great is that the whole premise of the show is to determine who best can act like a rock star. The criterion for judging performances comes down to exactly this distinction: There were those who acted like rock stars, and those who did not. Rock and roll has been liberated! Now that we’ve (finally!) realized that rock and roll is all about performing, we can choose our rock stars by popular vote based on their ability to look and sound like a rock star. We no longer need to inquire or care about the musician’s early hungry years that gave them their “raw” edge or follow their long suffering career that gave them the drive to push it to the limit. All it takes is thirteen weeks of singing in front of an audience of millions, regardless of your background, to prove to us that you have what it takes to be a rock star. Rock and roll is populist again! (And yes, I realize I am taking liberties with the history of rock and roll but my point is that rock and roll is all about myth and so its history is made up anyway.) Take for instance the way all the contestants sound like self-help books when talking about themselves: “I knew if I believed in myself long enough, I would realize my dreams” sort of drivel. Despite the suggestion that their being true to themselves, the underlying message is: ANYBODY CAN ROCK! (so long as you can act like a rock star). We should be cautious though because this sort of therapeutic rocker advice can take a nasty emotive turn and grow tiresome especially when coming from an aging rock star who forgot how they too once had to learn how to rock and who are now convinced they simply were “born to rock.” Hopefully, Supernova marks the end of our tolerance for this kind of deceitful blather from our rock stars.

Interestingly enough, the female performers were much better at acting like rock stars. Storm, of course, was amazing in this regard but she has some stiff competition for some of the other lady rockers. In contrast, the men were one yawn after another (with the exception of the glamour Golem who rocked Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell”). It was obvious that the guys think its sexy to seem really sincere and true to one’s self, and accordingly they had boring closed body movements meant to convey their allegiance to honesty. One of them actually started his song sitting on a stool because ever since the Tesla video for “Signs,” people think stools denote raw emotion and political conviction. The biggest douche, Phil, (who curiously wasn’t voted off the show) couldn’t even make eye contact with the audience because he was trying so hard to convince us that his song was really just this personal private moment he was having with himself and he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks anyway. Thankfully, the future members of Supernova and the American People more or less realize that Phil is wrong (he’s still on the show, but on thin ice). Rock and roll is not a personal or private matter nor is it “raw.” Iggy Pop just makes it feel raw because he’s a really good performer.

The most interesting contestant on Supernova is the jock who after a football injury turned rocker because you can tell he is really struggling with “being himself” or acting like a rock star. After getting pummeled by the judges for trying to be original by reworking Sting’s “Roxanne,” he defended himself by saying “I’m not sorry I did it, rock and roll is about taking risks!” The perfect answer! Everybody knows rock stars don’t listen to authority and break all the rules so he knew he had to act like he was breaking the rules on purpose (rather than just sucking for no reason). At the same time, the whole point of the show is to prove you’ve mastered the tried and true techniques of rocking, so he then went on to sing the Door’s “L.A. Woman” as though possessed by Jim Morrison. I think he has a bright future ahead of him although the jock is still creeping in at the edges. He needs to channel early Ozzy (he kind of looks like a young Ozzy), and maybe sing Crazy Train.